7 practical tips to escape the tyranny of perfection I've never been comfortable around people who don't suffer fools gladly - li...
7 practical tips to escape the tyranny of perfection
I've
never been comfortable around people who don't suffer fools gladly -
like my cover's going to be blown or something. Maybe you don't
suffer 'fools' gladly, even (especially?) when you feel yourself to
be one.
Perhaps
you're prone to perfectionism, hence your interest in this piece.
Quite rightly, you sometimes think, you want the best in all things
at all times, which superficially sounds reasonable, right?
Presumably, you also want the best for your mental health, too.
If
you really are a perfectionist, you've probably already found it
troublesome; possibly even a deal-breaker in some instances - a royal
road to disappointment and anguish, not to mention impaired
relationships.
But
why's it wrong to strive for perfection? After all, if we shoot for
the stars, we might land on the moon, right? Why would you even want
to overcome perfectionism, to rise above the sloppy masses?
Perfectionism
vs. the uncomplicated pursuit of excellence
Oh,
come on, you're way ahead of me. It's not the worthy striving for
excellence that's the problem, it's the distress caused by perceived
failure that's so undermining. The unpalatable fact is that
perfectionism makes for lesseffectiveness, not more. One
reason is that perfectionists blithely throw the baby out with the
bathwater (or, as we'll see, the tennis racket into the net) more
often by quitting earlier if perfection isn't immediately
forthcoming.
Perfectionists
also tend to procrastinate, because there's an understandable
unwillingness to begin projects knowing you'll feel overwhelmingly
pressured for them to be absolutely perfect.
All
this is bad enough, but what does perfectionism actually cost you in
terms of wellbeing?
The dark side of perfectionism
"There
I was, in this tennis final. I was playing a boy three years older
with a lot more experience! I lost by just a couple of points, but
after slamming my racket into the net and refusing to shake his hand,
I never picked up a tennis racket again!"(Craig, recovering
perfectionist.)
There
you are, exit baby with said bathwater.
One
of the first definitions of perfectionism (1) was: ''the
practice of demanding of oneself or others a higher quality of
performance than is required by the situation".
"A
phobia of making mistakes!" is how Craig described his
attitude. "Perfectionism is screwing up my life and
relationship! I was a child perfectionist - if I made one mistake in
schoolwork, it was never good enough to just erase it; I had to rip
up the whole sheet. I was running the New York marathon recently and
it was clear I wasn't going to beat my best time, so I just stopped -
even though it was for charity."
Relationships
tend to be damaged because the poor ones who enter the orbit of the
perfectionist may come to feel bullied, enslaved by the demands of
what they perceive to be a chronic control freak (see 'How
to Deal with the Control Freak').
The perfectionist may not intend to
bully, but bully they do.
Craig
described how his lack of flexibility in the standards he imposed
upon himself and others had 'ruined' his life. How relationships had
floundered as partners couldn't take the pressure of his impatience
and intolerance. How he'd started, then abandoned, all kinds of
activities, even when others said he had talent.
The
fact is that, for the perfectionist, just about everything ultimately
leads to disappointment, which is profoundly depressing. Nothing is
ever really good enough. Even victories and other successes can be
seen as imperfect and mistake-ridden: "Sure, I won,
but I could have played better!"
It's
the inflexibility that's a problem.
Seeing
imperfection all about and constantly crashing against the rocks of
harsh reality isn't too great for self-esteem or relationships, it's
clear. But it also seems that perfectionism can be positively bad for
your mental health.
Another
definition states perfectionism to be "a pathological pursuit of
usually unobtainable high standards that is strongly linked to
anxiety, depression (2), and eating disorders (3)". A
pathological concern with wanting to 'be perfect' can lead to worry,
regret, fear of the future (with all its possible failures)...no
wonder it seems correlated with depression.
If
a tendency for perfectionism might be an indicator of vulnerability
to depression and other psychological conditions, then we can presume
that overcoming perfectionism may help protect us from poorer mental
health. The first step to overcoming perfectionism is to truly
understand it.
But
surely being a perfectionist can't kill you, can it?
Overcome perfectionism and live longer?
Some
research in 2009 (4) also linked the trait of perfectionism
to increased likelihood of premature death! Presumably because of the
massively increased stress perfectionism inflicts. So, overcoming
perfectionism may help not only your mental health, but also your
very physical survival.
One
of the tyrannies of perfectionism is the way that it narrows focus to
all-or-nothing levels; this has consequences.
No middle ground - but reasons for hope
A
perfectionist will see reality in simplified all-or-nothing ways.
There is 'perfect' and then there is 'useless'. No gradation. 'Good
enough' doesn't tend to figure. This overly simplistic black-or-white
perception is also a characteristic of depression, anxiety
conditions, and eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia; hence
the seeming correlation with these conditions.
Perfectionism
is built upon a pile of assumptions as to how the world works - or
rather, how it should work. Where do these
assumptions originate?
Where does perfectionism come from?
Attitudes
are infectious. A tendency to see what's wrong rather than right is
key to perfectionism (and also a key characteristic of depression).
It's so clichéd to always 'blame' the parents, who in turn were
products of their parents, and the blame game
doesn't solve problems; but it also seems true (5) that
parenting styles play a role. You may be more likely to suffer
perfectionism if:
-
You had hyper -critical or demanding parents.
-
Your parents/teachers were quick to point out your mistakes; slow to give credit.
-
You had parents or other relations who placed huge expectations on you and seemed to value you purely through your achievements.
-
Your parents had perfectionist standards for themselves.
-
You had no or little parental approval or even any feedback at all and therefore have no yardstick to tell whether what you do is ever good enough.
But
regardless of why perfectionism arose, these tips will help you
achieve more by actually caring less and seeing the bigger picture.
When you don't sweat the small stuff or the big
stuff, then life becomes more exciting, rewarding, and adventurous.
1) Cut some slack for yourself
When
you approach a staircase, you don't leap the whole flight in one
bound. Don't then expect to win or succeed straightaway. Craig's
childhood perfectionism didn't allow him to see coming second to an
older boy in his tennis final as relativesuccess, a vital
step on the way to greater things. He'd expected to bound up the
whole staircase in one.
Cut
back on things that need to 'be perfect'. Is it really vital to have
every CD in your collection perfectly aligned or all your books
spaced exactly evenly from one another?
2) Cut slack for others
Being
a perfectionist and inflicting that on others is really a way of
trying to control people. People don't like feeling controlled or
coerced all the time, even if you do 'know best'.
Remember
people are who they are, regardless of how you feel they should be.
What makes us human are our foibles and, yes, weaknesses. Don't be an
unintentional bully.
3) Learn to see life in all its shades
Learn
to think in gradations: Do you really think anything less than 100%
is zero? Over-simplified all-or-nothing thinking isn't a perceptive,
sophisticated, or accurate way to evaluate much of life. The
brightest people can do the dumbest thingssometimes; most
things are relative. Save your black-or-white thinking for the really
simplistic situations of life (such as whether to jump from the path
of an upcoming juggernaut!). Recognize what's good enough and move
on.
4) Develop humour
All
dictatorships hate humour - Hitler famously had stand-up comics
banned. Ahem. I'm not comparing you to him, of course, but my point
is that humour is flexible in that it enables us to see beyond rigid,
fixed viewpoints. Often, perfectionists fail to see the funny side.
If you are a perfectionist, you may have even been accused of a
sense-of-humour failure on occasion.
A
ready sense of humour depends on being able to shift perspective
quickly, which is essential when things don't work out exactly as
you'd hoped. Hang out with and learn from funny, relaxed people.
Who
was it that said: "Life is too important to take seriously"?
5) Remember mistakes are not catastrophes. Well, not usually...
Be
brave and accept that mistakes happen and, let's take it further,
that theyshould happen. Not making mistakes means never
having the opportunity to truly learn and develop. In some contexts,
mistakes can even be encouraged so we can move beyond them more
quickly. Learning music requires lots of mistake making (at least in
my imperfect experience).
Only
fear mistakes if you are a bomb disposal operator or a parachute
instructor.
6) Don't use perfectionism as a reason to procrastinate
Because
making mistakes isn't a mortal sin (in fact, some ancient cultures
felt that perfection was a sin because it displayed hubris and
challenged the gods), don't fear mistakes or use the possibility of
imperfection as an excuse not to start things. If a journey is worth
making, then false starts and temporarily getting lost matter little
if the final destination can still be achieved.
7) Stop over-applying negative outcomes
If
you miss a shot in tennis, does that one mistake make you
a total idiot?
This
is as silly as someone doing one nice thing and you proclaiming them
to be a 'total saint'.
Psychologists
call this 'globalizing' and it's a hallmark of intolerance. People
with low self-esteem, for example, are intolerant of themselves.
As
I said, intelligent people do dumb things, but are still generally
bright. Decent people may occasionally be less than kind, but are
still generally good people. Shooting people on the
spot for minor transgressions is the kind of thing that happens in
barbaric concentration camps; it doesn't need to be a 'strategy' you
employ.
Ultimately,
perfectionism produces a chronic fear of failure and this comes about
from failure (yes, I get the irony) to see success as relative.
Personally,
I feel that a 'perfect person' would seem rather imperfect. As Goethe
once proclaimed: "Certain flaws are necessary for the whole. It
would seem strange if old friends lacked certain quirks."
Get your success on!
How
can I help you personally?
If
you'd like some extra help around How
to Overcome Perfectionism in Everyday Ways,
my company provides a huge library of hypnosis sessions through
Hypnosis Downloads.com. Hypnosis is great for this sort of thing
because it's a natural and powerful way of positively changing the
way you think and feel. Learn
more-
Hollender (1978).
- Nadich, M., Gargan, M. and Michael, L. (1975). Denial, anxiety, locus of control and the discrepancy between aspiration and achievement as components of depression. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 84, 1-9.
- Bardone-Cone, A.M., Wonderlich, S.A., Frost, R.O., Bulik, C.M., Mitchell, J.E., Uppala, S., Simonich, H. Perfectionism and eating disorders: Current status and future directions. Department of Psychological Sciences, University of Missouri-Columbia, Columbia, MO, USA.
- According to Barrow, J.C., & Moore, C.A. (1983). Group interventions with perfectionist thinking. Personnel and Guidance Journal, 61, 612– 615.
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